A Monthly Inspirational Viewpoint of Life’s Journeys with Sonia Wignall.
Episode Thirty Six
I recently watched a powerful and inspiring movie called “MAID”. The movie, like so many other great “Netflix” series, was masterful in its delivery. It was based on the childhood, emotional abuse, trauma, awareness, resilience, healing and breakthrough of the main character, a young mother named Alex.
What made the movie so powerful was the relationship and interaction between Alex, and the intimate people in her life. The realism of each character, and the individual dimensions of their life patterns and story was riveting.
The revealed patterns and consequent behaviors of all the characters, gave evidence and understanding to the toxicity in each of their stories. There was a constant underlying subconscious process at play. It showed the development of the toxic patterns and the generational impact.
Watching this movie, and others like it, shines a clear and glaring light on the impact and long-term consequences of our own learned and practice patterns. All manners of toxicity from addictions life of crime, manipulations, emotional, physical and or sexual abuse has patterns and predictable cycles.
Sometimes, we are so entrenched in the grind, pain and survival patterns of the abusive life that we cannot see, or accept that there is a better way, a way out. We cannot see that the courage to change paths is within us.
Similarly, healthy relationships, success and wealth, also have patterns of internal process and outward behaviors that manifest positive and empowering results.
Patterns in our lives are either taught and modeled to us as children, or generationally inflicted upon us by the choices others close to us make. Toxic patterns often produce abusive results. It is a dangerous cycle affecting both the abuser and the victim(s) for generations.
Having the self-awareness to stop, mid-behavior and evaluate our patterns, and internal systems, will allow us to create new patterns and boundaries. This simple act of awareness is the beginning of change.
Alex’s desire was to move herself and her daughter away from the cycles of toxicity, abuse and trauma. This intentional change took courage. It also took her through a process of self-reflection, moments of absolute poverty, truths and the pain of facing her family’s past and her future. The unfortunate painful part was as she journeyed forward, she went back to her family, many times out of desperate needs including temporary housing and childcare support. She however did not stay there.
Exceptionally written and presented, there were no hold backs in the movie. Even her abusive estranged partner, and emotionally raw and unstable mother, in their few moments of balance and sobriety, (which neither was able to sustain), were able to accept small measures of responsibility and articulate their need for change and healing.
This movie reminded me of my own life patterns, that of my family, friends and how we can all easily fall back into toxic patterns of behavior as we attempt to move forward.
Our toxic patterns can play out in marriage, intimate relationships, friendships, and even at work. Abuse can be identified in all areas of our lives and it can and will affect all those closest to you.
Alex’s journey out of abuse was difficult, but she was committed to change. At first, she was not even able to fully articulate or identify the type of abuse she was patterned in. It was not a position of denial that many abuse victims use for survival. She simply did not understand, although experiencing it, the symptoms, toxicity and power of “emotional abuse”.
Since our life patterns are cyclical, we can easily evaluate where we are now. If we are intentional and self-aware, we can reflect and see how we got here, or more importantly who’s behavior we are modeling. For Alex, that took time.
Like the study of the weather, recognizing the patterns, cycles and consequences we can predict the eventual outcome. Unlike the pattern of the storms however that cannot be stopped, God has strategically given us wisdom and free agency to disrupt the flow and change paths. The question is will we stay in the toxic patterns or make the critical and intentional decision to break out of ingrained habits and behaviors.
Last year I committed my life to an intentional path of discipline and change, in a specific area of my life. Recently, however, I found myself facing a series of challenges I was unprepared for. Challenges that if I allowed it to continue would disrupt the journey I was on.
Failing to create boundaries and guardrails. I forgot to stop, breathe and meditate. Instead, I began to reflect from a deep space of pain, and perceived failure and consequently, could not see the rich lessons and open doors of opportunities before me as a result of the experience.
I was processing out of my emotions not my spiritual connection to God, who’s wisdom and love is inside of me and will guide me back to the light.
In my moment of fear and overwhelming sadness, I turned to self-loathing and was blinded by a false belief that the situation I was in was a mountain of failure that would forever block my path forward.
The consequence of my futile thinking was a hard psychological dismantling of my identity, work and progress as a result of the situation. All the time, labor and planning including the wisdom and fruit thereof I considered to be of no value. I found myself back in the very toxic cycle of thought, hyper focusing on the wrong solution and leaning towards decisions and behaviors that would be consequential for myself and those I lead and serve. Like Solomon, I had failed to remain vigil and intentional in the use of the gifts and the wisdom God has given me.
In the Bible, (1st King 3:3), Solomon said to the Lord, “give me wisdom so I may lead your people and please you”. God gave Solomon wisdom. But even in receiving all of God’s empowering and divine wisdom, Solomon’s lack the discipline and guardrails that would sustain him. Solomon followed his father’s pattern. He became a serial womanizer and brought into the kingdom 700 wives and 300 concubines. He committed the sin that offended and displeased God. The weight of the sin and patterns of these women brought down the kingdom, burned down the temple, and opened the gates for many people to be removed and taken into captivity. The nation was left in shambles.
Understanding our current patterns, and when we are on the wrong path, will empower us to seek change. We can then begin the journey of curating a new path for our lives. We must have a willingness to create new subconscious programming, and disrupt our known and practiced patterns of thought and behavior.
The sustained change we are seeking will come slowly, but it will come. We can start by stopping. Yes stopping, right here, right now.
We must remember who we are and that we were created in God’s image. His divine spirit is within us guiding us. We can lean on him, his light, his wisdom, his understanding, his protection. We are HIS children. Shifting our focus internally and to him, will bring understanding and peace. Doing so will move us to operate through a place of strength, faith and commitment. It will take time and patience, but through commitment to the process, change will come.
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Do not conform to the pattern of this world, (says the Lord), but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will for your life. Romans 12:2
“I too have a responsibility to use the tools of wisdom, understanding and guidance, given to me, by the divine Spirit of the Living God in me. By intentionally and systematically using these tools I will be sustained in the health of my mind, body, soul and spirit. My desires, discipline and process will line up with God’s will for my life to change my thoughts and disrupt the toxic “fall back’ behavioral patterns in my life. I owe this intentional and sustained change to myself and the people that I lead and serve.” I owe it to my son, and the generations that will follow.”
– Sonia M. Wignall
“This book of the law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night and then you shall make your way prosperous and have good success” Joshua 1:8
Sonia M. Wignall
Sonia M. Wignall is Co-Founder & Board Chair, Diaspora Global Foundation. www.leanintostem.org. She is also a Cultural and Lifestyle Writer. Her articles and monthly column “Perspective” can be found on Diaspora Digital News.
***Note: “I do not give permission for my writings to be used for AI purposes or content, unless my name is shown and the reference to my work is clear. My work is not AI written”. SMW